How to get very drunk

Most of us have some experience in this stage of the getting very drunk process, and yes, it is a process. Unfortunately, the experience that the general public has with drinking is aimed less at the eventual goal than us professional drinkers hope to attain, namely, that you will get drunk enough to do things you will regret. Hopefully, this step-by-step guide will prove informative and entertaining.
Step One: Purchase Your Alcohol: Mmmm. There's nothing quite like buying a 40 oz. bottle of old English. Many businesses in the RIC area will sell you liquor. This is the first step on a long and beautiful road to drunken sightseeing. It's fairly simple.
1. Enter the store.
2. Ask for a bottle of your favorite alcohol.
3. Buy it.
Step Two: Start Drinking: It doesn't matter where. You can do this anywhere at all. Now that you have your bottle of delicious booze, crack it open and start drinking. Presumably, you have experience at this. If not it is easy to do open mouth and pour booze in – the swallow. It doesn't really matter where you begin your spiritual journey; all that matters is that you do begin. An alley, a dumpster, the bathroom of the store – these are all equally good starting points.
Step Three: Keep Drinking: Again, it doesn't really matter where. You aren't drunk enough to appreciate RIC yet. RIC has many places to drink that are certainly suitable for drinking. At this early stage – halfway through the bottle, say – the alcohol hasn't gone to your head yet. You may want to sit down, or find a nice shady spot.
Step Four: For God's Sake, Don't Stop Now: At this point, if you've been drinking steadily, you should be well on your way. Things should be blurry and moving on you. Also, things should seem funnier, or more beautiful than they really are, including everyone around you. You will like everyone that sucks more. Many heavy drinkers are obsessed with the sheer amount of alcoholic beverage consumed. While this is important, limits are different for different people. Whether it takes you 27 beers, most likely Narragansett and a bottle of vodka, or merely a bottle and a half of Old English, all that really matters is that you drink until you can drink no more.
Step Five: Break the Seal:  Now some people look down on this but do not avoid it. It needs to happen. Breaking the seal is when you first urinate. This opens the bladder and makes it easy for you to keep drinking. Say this with me: everyone breaks the seal eventually. Good.
Step Six: Go Back to the Bottle:  Now that the first seal is broken keep drinking a lot. Hold on tight, man, it's not gonna slow down. This is your last step before the inevitable. As such, it should be treated with reverence as well as lightheartedness. Don't be afraid to laugh so hard beer comes out your nose, for example. You're almost drunk enough to enjoy the scenic "hot-spots" RIC has to offer.
Step Seven: Vomit: We're sorry. An unavoidable speed bump on the road to success.
Step Eight: Find the Perfect Spot to Enjoy the Ambience: Everything's so beautiful. At this point, you should be so stumbling drunk that the only remaining step is finding a good place to pass out. You can now enjoy a classic night as a college student. I hope this advice will help you. Next week, I will have more great advice for you to enjoy.